recently i feel that i experience what i often treat the other people

i feel what the other people felt

um..that is an uncomfortable thing

Jim is a really good actor.

In the scene he became a noisy hubbub, it seemed like that I saw the same from my father once or twice.

That is one of the types of men.

So..that is not my main theme here.

I want to know the meaning of performance.

Whenever I see a performance, there would be a fantasy for me to be a performer one day.

I won’t dream that I’ll be an actor..I think..guitarist or vocal in a band.

In fact in that day dreaming was not so concrete. There is no actual action following that.

That’s still a dream. For me, I guess, it is a expression that I want the others putting their attention on me.

Do I lack of it? or do I need it?

Um…expecting to fulfill such need solely is a low-level need.

We never want the others reject us. So would performance be done with that purpose?

There must be more.

So..why a performance needs audience in most of the time?

That is the next area needed to be explored.

But…has the main theme this time been explored…?

HAHA..I tried my best to avoid intellectual laziness. But I really got little about performance.

That is my limitation.

That’s not pseudo-profundity.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

It is for reflecting what have done and learnt.

But…is it just a myth?

Can I keep it??

um…

Men should be independent.

I am sure it influenced me greatly.

I want to be independent. I hope I will get less help from mom.

Ha..it is a problem for man..avoiding to become “skirt foot boy”.

Such image would facilitate me to train up myself and to make me stronger.

But at the same it put an obsatcle for me to seek help when necessary.

So…I will keep reflecting.

Recently my mom goes to L.A. visiting my aunts.

Many housework are left at home.

Of I am willing to take up most of it. And I enjoy it.

It’s good to find that I enjoy it.

So it is a great opportunity to train up those skills.

When she is at home I would never do those stuffs.

Sometimes she seems doing too much. I don’t feel I have a responsibility.

Disempowerment ..> Dependent??

I don’t know.

If I want to grow up, I must do more by myself.

Obviously such thought is the stereotype of those who are regarded as “grown up”…HAHA

Yes..I won’t deny I have that thought.

So..in the future I really want to learn cooking and domestic reparing.

A man need to know these, for his family.

HAHAHA!! Another gender issue.

Time now is 3:51.

I don’t know why I am still sitting in front of my computer.

Last night the same time, I was looking upon the sky and confusing with my future…every very litte thing in the future.

That is a weakness. I clearly understand that my life was, is , will be in Jesus’s hand.

Everytime I thought of that, Lord reminds me I need to be in His presence and wait upon him.

But at the same my mind pop up another idea.

“The same message again. Are there any answers??…..”

um…

No. Wait upon Jesus is the way. The way to the brightest future.

I believe in you Lord. So please walk with me.

It’s my confession…

Another thing leading to such confusion..is that I see my limitation clearing.

The act “seeing” is not a problem. The sense of powerlessness is the problem.

I discussed my limitations with my fieldwork supervisior.

I tend to be passive most of the time. It put an obsatcle in my life.

Although I don’t need to transform that thoroughly, there is a great sense of pressure in the process of breaking through it.

Passiveness, hesitation, withdrawal…

I think…I think too much again.

That’s why I love strength-based approaches. They help me feel more comfortable as I can see my strengths.

This time is not the time to show the strengths..I think I will do it later.

I am sure it is just one of the sides of me.

My life is still beautiful because Jesus is beautiful.

Lastly,

I really want to be more assertive and confident. I want to recognize myself even the others do not.

And…I did not say many things here. How can I say it…

There is nothing but Jesus.

Inside me it is empty, for I have a intention to seek satisfaction from love of people, especially a girl’s love. 

The problem is that it may not appear when I want. 

…People’s love is great but they fail to touch me always.

So, Jesus, please use my emptiness, and put all your love inside me.

………

…

You know what I mean LORD…Thank you.

As it is my responsiblity, I can never escape from it.

I am learning to face it.

Clearer plans…notes taking…

Said eaier than done.

Why is it difficult?

…

I think I got the answer, but I don’t know how to express it here.

Haha…

Is it engrossing…?

I want to know you more my LORD.

I want to know how a mistake would be transformed into blessing in His power.

…I will never know…

Waiting upon Him, I am sure I will testify.

I want to walk with you by faith, Jesus.

There are great changes.

I can only subscribe through itunes.

And 2 years ago I can download the whole show, but now it is only a 30-minute show.

Is it shortened?

I think I will never listen to it lively. How can I get up so early…

Probably there is a underlying belief and value.

Therefore, again, it is not asking about content but context.

It is so post-modern….

Do I know what I am doing?

Do you know what I am doing?

…………